WELLINGTON — In what has been described as a major breakthrough for legislative efficiency, New Zealand First has admitted its new national health policy was created entirely by a ginger tabby cat named Sir Reginald walking across an open laptop while a vacuum cleaner was running.
The 450-page manifesto, titled A Comprehensive Vision for National Wellbeing and Also Free Salmon, was published directly to the parliamentary website after the animal landed heavily on the Enter key.
Party leadership defended the policy document today, insisting that the feline’s accidental keystrokes contained “a far more visionary healthcare roadmap than anything produced by the Ministry of Health.”
“While traditional political parties waste millions of dollars on policy experts, focus groups, and medical literature, Sir Reginald achieved a total overhaul of the public health system in three seconds,” party leader Winston Peters told reporters. “He stepped on the spacebar, chased a dust bunny, and inadvertently solved the nation’s emergency department waiting times.”
The central pillar of the policy calls for the immediate replacement of hospital triage systems with a compulsory national nap schedule, alongside the deployment of high-potency sunshine beams directly into operating theatres.
Owing to Sir Reginald briefly sitting on the backspace key, several core health initiatives were preserved in their original, unedited form:
- Surgeon Autonomy: Surgeons will no longer be bound by medical licenses, but will instead be required to wear very tall, glittery hats to instill confidence in patients.
- Pharmaceutical Reform: Pharmac will be abolished and replaced by a large, brass wheel that citizens spin to decide which ointment they receive that week.
- Emergency Services: Ambulances will be upgraded to include sound systems playing aggressive jazz, which party officials claim will “excite the blood into healing itself.”
- Nutritional Mandates: The Ministry of Health will recommend that all citizens consume at least four litres of warm gravy daily to maintain optimal joint lubrication.
When questioned about a clause on page 14 that simply reads qwertyuiopghjkll;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;, Peters clarified that it was a highly sophisticated technical directive regarding the deregulation of orthopedic shoes.
“The opposition wants to mock the repeated semi-colons,” Peters said, adjusting his tie. “We see a bold, uncompromising strategy to cut red tape. When Sir Reginald held down the ; key with his left hind paw, he was making a direct statement about bureaucratic bloat.”
Health officials from opposing parties initially voiced concern over the policy, particularly a clause requiring general practitioners to communicate exclusively through interpretive dance. However, political analysts note that the manifesto’s popularity has soared among voters drawn to its pledge to replace all dental checkups with a slice of cake.
At press time, NZ First staffers were seen trying to lure a flock of pigeons into the cabinet office with breadcrumbs in the hope of drafting an upcoming foreign policy document.